Raising Kids While Poly (September 2020 Meeting Notes)

Different forms of poly families:

Coming Out:

When is the best time? Little kids do not care but teenagers might.
Why come out at all? No secrets or hiding may make life easier.
Why not? Parents or in-laws, exes, or friends may then find out and make things harder, may lose your support system or even custody of kids.
How? Don't be ashamed of your identity and act like you're telling them you have cancer; if you don't act ashamed they will not think that what you are doing is shameful

Coming out to kids at different ages:

when they are really young they don't know any different
teens are generally self-absorbed and do not care
older kids don't want to know about their parents' romantic or sex lives, and adult children are hopefully mature enough to understand it and accept it.

Introducing partners to kids:

It doesn't have to be any different than introducing them to any other friend. To do it or not do it is a personal choice and when to do that is also a personal choice if you do that at all ever.

The dangers of coming out to other family, friends, or coworkers:

you could get custody taken away (from exes or other family members)
you could lose your job or not get a job you are being interviewed for
you could potentially lose housing if more than two unrelated individuals live in the same house

Pros to a poly household:

more people to help around the house, help raise the children, help teach good lessons
more incomes means easier living
more attention to the children
creates a "village" in which to raise children
often allows for relationship romance to end while co-parenting does not have to end
More emotional support for everyone
The more loving, caring adults the better
Teaches that honesty = trust
gives examples of good communication
Blended families are not uncommon nowadays with multiple "aunts" and "uncles" who aren't necessarily related by blood
Someone else to play with kids and teach them to ride a bike

Cons to a poly household:

Religious dogma
Bigoted family or community members
If you are strictly closeted you can't be open with your children, otherwise you put them in the position of lying to other people (which sucks a lot)
Different parenting styles sometimes clash
breakups can be doubly hard with more people and more opportunities for relationships to end (but this can also have the benefit of showing children an open and honest de-escalation of a relationship instead of a traditional messy break-up)
Being out to your family means you pretty much have to be out to everyone
Custody battles can use polyamory against you
Kids being bullied at school for being different

Pregnancy:

to stay open or close the relationship while getting pregnant or while pregnant?
If in a hierarchical relationship, to have a baby with your primary or with your secondary?
What is your plan in the case of an accident?
Paternity awkwardness
Dating while pregnant, emotional rollercoaster
It’s great to have more help while pregnant, during labor and delivery, as well as right after baby is born since most parents only get a small amount of parental leave from work
“Mommy Guilt” doing anything other than mothering (and being the perfect mother) gives folks socialized as women a lot of guilt
Breastfeeding sucks a lot and can be super hard

Money and property sharing:

How do you organize the bills?
Is everything decided by a committee, popular vote, or do you appoint one leader of the household?
Is everyone in the family treated equally and/or fairly. Some people can be treated fairly without having equal footing in the relationship. It's important that people are treated fairly and respectfully.

Jealousy

Being anxious about someone else replacing you or your kid considering them their parent
Being jealous of the kids in your life, envious of time or energy given to kids by your partner, or your partner always prioritizing someone else

Resources:

Milwaukee Poly