Ending Toxic Relationships (August 2020 meeting notes)

What is toxic?

• Can be so different to different people. Some “toxic” traits for you would be endearing to someone else. What makes you feel uncomfortable or what behaviors do you have a problem with? Not necessarily the person who is toxic, but you and that person, the relationship itself.
• A relationship can start not toxic and move into a toxic realm
• Sometimes after NRE ends, the toxicity comes out
• Can be toxic due to lack of communication, listening, or reception
• Feeling trapped into a relationship because you've invested so much time and energy into the relationship you don’t feel like you can leave or feel like you need to fix it instead.
• Hardest to recognize it in your own relationships and in yourself
• Relying on other people so much that it was a crutch, so cutting them out is the only way to help them
• Toxic monogamy is encouraged in society. We don’t have a lot of healthy role models, so it takes a while to learn and unlearn toxic behaviors.

Who can be toxic?

• Friends
• Family
• Romantic relationships
• Coworkers
• FWB (especially the ones who forget to be friends)
• Kink relationships

Aspects to recognize in others (and yourself)?

• Controlling
• Jealousy
• Dishonesty
• Disrespect
• Not respecting boundaries
• Ignoring your needs
• Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells
• Victim complex
• Insecurity
• Codependency (feeling like you have no worth without the other person)
• Feeling like a parent/ feeling like a child
• Gaslighting
• Manipulation
• Distrust
• You feel worse around them and not better
• One sided relationship, you give and they take
• Don’t feel like you can say “No”
• Mental health issues that go untreated, or they use their diagnosis as an identity
• Does your relationship follow the 80/20 rule, at least 80% serotonin happy good feelings, and at most 20% cortisol stress feelings

How do you handle it?

• Talk with friends and supportive people/ therapists if accessible
• Talk with your partner if you want to work on and change the behavior (this only works up to a point)
• Depends on the type of relationship
• Have an exit strategy
• Will there be a retaliation or fallout from ending the relationship?
• Will cutting them out have more pros than cons? Can you afford those cons anyway?
• Can you evolve into a friendship?
• Ask for help! And if people are willing to offer help, take it!
• Trust your gut
• Awareness and communication are the most important things