Love Languages in the Poly World
Love Languages:
l. Words of Affirmation – using words to build up the other person. “Thanks for taking out the garbage.” Not – “It’s about time you took the garbage out. The flies were going to carry it out for you.” Humble, kind, validating, and supportive words.
2. Gifts – a gift says, “He was thinking about me. Look what he got for me.” Not just bought, can be created.
3. Acts of Service – Doing something for your spouse that you know they would like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are all acts of service.
4. Quality Time – by which I mean, giving your spouse your undivided attention. Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV off – talking and listening.
5. Physical Touch – holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual intercourse, are all expressions of love.
(Extra Languages)
6. Distance - time away from partners to appreciate them, quality time for yourself, self care time away from your partner(s). Separate but together time, existing together while working on separate things. Respecting space and boundaries, a gift to yourself and your partner.
7. Sex - Different than/ separate from physical touch or quality time.
Important Things to Know about Love Languages:
• Figure out your languages and your partners (30 question test online)
• What if you are dating someone with a different language than you?
• How do you express to your partner how they can match yours and you theirs?
• “Communication is worthless without comprehension.”
• “Treat others as they want to be treated, not how you want to be.”
• How people get it wrong :
l. Words of Affirmation – using words to build up the other person. “Thanks for taking out the garbage.” Not – “It’s about time you took the garbage out. The flies were going to carry it out for you.” Humble, kind, validating, and supportive words.
2. Gifts – a gift says, “He was thinking about me. Look what he got for me.” Not just bought, can be created.
3. Acts of Service – Doing something for your spouse that you know they would like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are all acts of service.
4. Quality Time – by which I mean, giving your spouse your undivided attention. Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV off – talking and listening.
5. Physical Touch – holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual intercourse, are all expressions of love.
(Extra Languages)
6. Distance - time away from partners to appreciate them, quality time for yourself, self care time away from your partner(s). Separate but together time, existing together while working on separate things. Respecting space and boundaries, a gift to yourself and your partner.
7. Sex - Different than/ separate from physical touch or quality time.
Important Things to Know about Love Languages:
• Figure out your languages and your partners (30 question test online)
• What if you are dating someone with a different language than you?
• How do you express to your partner how they can match yours and you theirs?
• “Communication is worthless without comprehension.”
• “Treat others as they want to be treated, not how you want to be.”
• How people get it wrong :
- It’s more about your partner’s LL, the focus isn’t on your own necessarily. “We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it,” Chapman writes. “If we want them to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in their primary love language.”
- Focusing on just 1 when all 5 are needed. There may be a primary language, but they are often all important and work together.
- Demanding your partner speak your love language can cause stress and frustration (much like demanding someone speak a language they don’t know well, it’s just going to cause at best resentment, at worst anger)
- Yes and No. Do you feel loved in some ways by this person? If not, getting your needs met elsewhere may not help the relationship you aren’t feeling loved in.
- Don’t discourage the behavior you want to see in a person.
- Intention matters
- Some things, like a massage for example, may fulfill literally all of the languages, but the receiver of the massage will receive it in their language
- Your love language can/ will/ maybe should be different with your lover, your friends, your kids, family, etc.
- We are dynamic and our love languages can change over time
- Ask, don’t assume. Awareness is key.
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