The Ethics of Relationship Boundaries, Rules, and Agreements

The Ethics of Relationship Boundaries, Rules, and Agreements

Discussion Notes from 10/17/18

 

Definitions

Boundary: A limit made by you, for you. Applied to yourself and your behavior. Made to keep you safe and/or happy. Only you can take action to control it.

Rule: A restriction or regulation imposed on someone else, or on you by someone else.

Agreement: Something 2 or more people decided on together.

Boundaries

Boundaries as “deal breakers.” If it is not an actual deal breaker, is it a “boundary” or just a preference?

Ex) I am monogamous and I only date other monogamous people. If my partner sleeps with someone else, that is a boundary violation and deal breaker.

Ex) I won't be in an abusive relationship. If someone I'm with abuses me physically, mentally, or emotionally, I will leave the relationship, that is a boundary violation and deal breaker.

Boundaries give you the power to protect yourself and leave relationships that aren't serving you or making your life better. Makes you less helpless to your partner's whims or insecurities.

If a boundary isn't enforced, it's not a boundary. Ex) Say I claim that one of my boundaries is that I can't be around smokers and if someone lights up around me, I will leave that area. That is on me to leave if someone smokes, not on them to stop smoking. If I don't leave, then it's not a boundary, it's a preference.

Are you willing to take action to uphold this boundary? If you are not willing to leave the relationship after a boundary violation, is it a boundary?

Ex) Not engaging in certain sex acts with new partners (for yourself but not imposed on someone else).

Rules

Cunning Minx once said, “you tell me your relationship rules and I will tell you what you're going to fight about.”

Maybe a hard pill to swallow but: it's my opinion that there are no ethical relationship rules.

Rules are placed on another person. They can be agreed upon, but only by the people who are aware of them. If you have rules going into a relationship, the new person needs to know those rules.

Safe sex rules can sometimes seem like boundaries because it's ethical to have safer, risk aware sex. But if you are imposing regulations or restrictions on someone else, even if it's an objectively “good” thing, that is a rule and it is unethical.

Ex) My partner has to use condoms with all other partners. That is a rule whereas a boundary would be, if my partner decides to have unprotected sex with another person, that is their choice because it's their body, but I will then chose to use protection with them to protect my body. That's on me, about me.  

What is the consequence for breaking a rule? Often there are no consequences and if there is like the relationship will end then maybe that is a boundary or agreement not a rule? Boundaries have definite consequences.

Ex) No sleepovers, no sex in the bed.

How do you enforce a rule? It's pretty much always the honors system.

Agreements

Are agreements negotiable?

Only between the people who make an agreement, you cannot decide an agreement for someone else.

An agreement can be an ongoing conversation.

Usually a starting point for conversation.

can adapt with the relationship and the changing nature of the relationship/ people in it.

Extras

Values, expectations, and preferences are still very important, but may not be total deal breakers.

Ex) I want to date someone who loves Star Wars as much as I do.

Ex) I want to date a man that has a good relationship with his mother.

Ex) I don't want to date someone that doesn't drive a car.

All of these are preferences, but probably not deal breakers if the right person came along and met all of your other preferences but not one specific one.

Keep in mind intended purpose behind rules, can be used for shitty behaviors.

In general, remember to respect other people.

Communication is very important, learn your partner's boundaries as you go, you may not even know your own right away.

Ethics

You have bodily autonomy, no one gets to control your body, your choices, or you life. Ethical relationships respect autonomy.

Framing rules as boundaries. Rules in boundary clothing.

What trauma, fears, or insecurities dictate my boundaries?

Weaponizing boundaries with ultimatums to control other people's behavior.

We can not even control who we are attracted to or who we fall in love with, how can we expect to control our partners ability to? Life just does not work that way.

What are we trying to protect by making rules and boundaries?

It is difficult especially for people who were socialized as female to enforce their personal boundaries because we are socialized to be caring and to put others before us but it is very important to be “selfish” if that means that your health, wellness, or happiness is on the line. Our feelings as women aren't seen as valid and we are meant to please people even at our own expense.

If you only take one thing from this discussion, please let it be: I can only control my behavior and actions, I cannot control other people's, and they cannot control mine.

Also: don't be a dick. Discussions aren't drama, communication is not confrontation. Don't be afraid to have hard talks.