Poly Discussion August: Solo Polyamory

Solo Polyamory

what is it? An approach to poly that emphasizes agency and does not seek to engage in relationships that are tightly couple centric.

Folks who like it: autonomy and freedom to choose their own relationships is important, doesn't want to seek permission from others, flexibility in their relationships, don't need the traditional relationship model.

Getting off the “Relationship escalator”

the relationship escalator is the default set of societal expectations for romantic / Intimate Relationships. Steps with visible markers to a goal.

Example: date, move in, get engaged, get married, buy a house, have kids… so on and so forth forever.

Solo poly gets away from the couple as a “We” unit and is more independent.

Relationship Anarchy = philosophy in which people are free to engage in any relationship they choose, no relationship should be entered into or restricted from a sense of duty or obligation, any relationship choice should be allowed, and there aren't clear distinctions between partners and non-partners. Like the name states, there are no hierarchies. Relationship Anarchy relationships are fluid.

Problems solo poly folks face: people question solo poly commitment and emotional investment, think relationships are not substantial. Some find it hard to label a partner, what do you call your partner when you are actively avoiding labels? It is hard to maintain boundaries in an escalator world. Emotional labor. Seen as purely casual, no strings attached, immature, defective, not adult, no commitment. How do you make space for each partner? How do you make time?

Solo poly individuals usually do not cohabitate or procreate. Parenting can affect poly drastically. Some identify as single, but not available to get on an escalator, which could make it very hard to date because most people are looking for an escalator relationship when dating.

Advantages (depending on the person): remaining singleish forever, my “primary” is me, no longer feeling suffocated by traditional relationships, it's healthy to know yourself and what you want.