Poly Discussion March: Coming Out!
Coming Out Poly Meeting Notes:
- there are many different ways to come out. You can come out about your sexuality, about your orientation, about lifestyle choices, and your identity. You should never come out for someone else or on their behalf and less they have consented to that or request that you do it.
Should you? Why?
- reasons why one should come out poly is to normalize it and make it visible for others
- it makes future conversations less awkward
-makes it easier to display affection with your partner(s) without gossip
- makes it easier to come out in different ways about different parts of your life
- if more people came out they wouldn't be deemed unfit parents or unfit to work in certain jobs
- if someone cannot be your friend knowing who you truly are, are they a good friend?
- The best way to form communities is to come out and meet up with other people like you
- positive change is exponential
- reasons why one should come out poly is to normalize it and make it visible for others
- it makes future conversations less awkward
-makes it easier to display affection with your partner(s) without gossip
- makes it easier to come out in different ways about different parts of your life
- if more people came out they wouldn't be deemed unfit parents or unfit to work in certain jobs
- if someone cannot be your friend knowing who you truly are, are they a good friend?
- The best way to form communities is to come out and meet up with other people like you
- positive change is exponential
Why not?
- you may not be safe to
-you may have conservative family members that could try to take your kids away
-you may lose your support network
- you may lose your job if you live in a free to fire state
- it may not be relevant to the person you are coming out to
- you may lose friends who do not understand your lifestyle
- it is no one's business but your and your partners' and privacy may be important
- your partners may not consent to you coming out on their behalf by coming out yourself (that's a tricky situation!)
- you may not be safe to
-you may have conservative family members that could try to take your kids away
-you may lose your support network
- you may lose your job if you live in a free to fire state
- it may not be relevant to the person you are coming out to
- you may lose friends who do not understand your lifestyle
- it is no one's business but your and your partners' and privacy may be important
- your partners may not consent to you coming out on their behalf by coming out yourself (that's a tricky situation!)
-ultimately if you can come out it is important that you do! if you are privileged enough to come out it is a positive change that will lead to more positive change in the future
To who?
- coworkers
- family (in law's, parents, children)
- friends
- healthcare providers
- new dates! (It is ethical to make sure that your date knows you are poly and/or partnered before you go on a date. Don't waste other people's time, it's not cool!)
- coworkers
- family (in law's, parents, children)
- friends
- healthcare providers
- new dates! (It is ethical to make sure that your date knows you are poly and/or partnered before you go on a date. Don't waste other people's time, it's not cool!)
Stigma
- some people assume poly is cheating (even though cheating is more excepted then ethical non-monogamy!)
- some people think you are a sex attic
- some people think you will hit on them and/or their partner
- some people think you are an abuse victim and want to "help" you out of your brainwashed, abusive relationship
- some people will think of swingers instead of poly people and not understand that it's not all about sex
- some people assume poly is cheating (even though cheating is more excepted then ethical non-monogamy!)
- some people think you are a sex attic
- some people think you will hit on them and/or their partner
- some people think you are an abuse victim and want to "help" you out of your brainwashed, abusive relationship
- some people will think of swingers instead of poly people and not understand that it's not all about sex
How to come out?!
- first ask, "do you want to know?"
- explain what poly means to you as precisely as you can, don't tell them the entire novel of your life story, just tell them why you identify this way
- don't be ashamed: what you're doing is not shameful! if you act ashamed they're going to think that what you're doing is wrong, and it isn't
- if it is important to you, have them meet your partners. probably not the first time you come out, but maybe down the line
- be open to answering questions, they will probably have them. Or if you do not feel like educating them, have resources available that you can point them to (like "More Than Two" book and website, "Opening Up" book, "Ethical Slut" book or "Polyamory Weekly" podcast)
- first ask, "do you want to know?"
- explain what poly means to you as precisely as you can, don't tell them the entire novel of your life story, just tell them why you identify this way
- don't be ashamed: what you're doing is not shameful! if you act ashamed they're going to think that what you're doing is wrong, and it isn't
- if it is important to you, have them meet your partners. probably not the first time you come out, but maybe down the line
- be open to answering questions, they will probably have them. Or if you do not feel like educating them, have resources available that you can point them to (like "More Than Two" book and website, "Opening Up" book, "Ethical Slut" book or "Polyamory Weekly" podcast)
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