Poly Discussion June: Couple's Privilege

Couples privilege, what is it and do I have it?

• Couples privilege is not an accusation or a guilt trip, though it can be triggering, you can benefit from unearned advantages without being a bad person
• What is it? Privileges are any advantage that a person or group has over another that hasn't been specifically earned. Invisible, sometimes the person is totally unaware, they’re structured by society, but ultimately not fair
• the direct example of couples privilege is the belief that a primary couple is more real, valid, or important than any other coupling in the polycule
• it's uncomfortable to talk about because our lives aren't perfect or easy, but that doesn't matter
• Couples privilege can often be disguised as “protection” of the primary couple
• It has also been used as a buzz-phrase incorrectly to just refer to a poly couple who are behaving like assholes
• “married” privilege has advantages and disadvantages, they are assumed in a hierarchy or hetero monogamous relationship, which award them passing privileges (as well as tax breaks, Insurance, Social Security, etc.) but also may make it much harder to be openly poly/ out
• Couples often speak as one “we” unit

EXAMPLES:

• Veto power / vetting partners and approving or not approving of them
• Sleeping over rules / bed rules / territory issues
• the ability to post on Facebook / social media about your relationship, being out about your relationship to friends
• Trying to regulate a metamours and/or partner’s bodies and sexual activity
• Not allowed on holidays or Vacations/ trips
• Fluid bonding
• unicorn Hunters often have rules and expectations of the Unicorn that are not expected of the primary couple
• Living together and the ability to have kids
• the ability to marry, sometimes extra necessary in cases of refugee or VISA status
• the primary couple often can pass for monogamous and get those advantages
• other relationships than the primary are often deemed expendable
• Inside jokes and shared nonverbal language cues
• Favorite restaurants, movies, pet names are sometimes off-limits
• Unplanned pregnancy issues
• Cancelling dates if primary is jealous or has feels

What do I do with this information?

• Being aware of your privileges helps future relationships
• Trust your partners
• Involve people in decision-making that affects them

Is it all bad?

• having priorities aren't necessarily a bad thing, being responsible is important, but you are also responsible for your behavior and how you treat others
• taking advantage of privileges awarded to you can be an unconscious act but if you abuse those privileges that is then malicious