Poly Discussion February: Poly Play Parties!

Is "poly play party" an accurate term/ phrase? What does that mean and are there any alternatives? "Swoly" (swinger + poly) sounds kind of weird/ crass (like swallow) and could give the wrong impression, stated some of the members of the group.

Some folks said there doesn't need to be a modifier and it can just be a "play party." But what would be the difference between a regular play party and one hosted and attended by mostly polyamorous individuals?

We touched on the difference between having a poly sexual identity (which is a noun) versus a poly relationship orientation (more of a verb: doing poly rather than being poly). If you are only doing poly, then being at a swinger type sex party may not be conducive to a relationship style like polyamory but if poly is your identity, you can literally do anything and still be poly, including casual sex, a relationship with just one person, or even being single.

A good play party should be inclusive and sex positive. Inclusive to people that want more sexual experiences, are ace or demi, and to people that want to be involved but are not interested in sexual touch or activities. We also talked about how traditional swinger parties often are not welcoming to bisexual men, trans folx, or accessible to folks with disabilities. We as a community should do better and be as inclusive as possible while still protecting the identities and privacy of those involved.

We talked about etiquette and how to make a consent-focused safe space. Having rules for the party that are gone over at the beginning of the party during a "welcome circle" is a good way to start. Some rules that I found from a person who hosts parties in Chicago:
1. "No" is always met with a high-five or a "thank you"
2. Laughter is encouraged, tears are OK too.
3. The kitchen is a sex-free safe zone.
4. You don't have to play with anyone ever.
5. You must ask for consent and receive a verbal "yes" before any play.
6. Be specific and use your words!
7. Stay at a respectful distance.
8. respect privacy in and out of the party.
9. if yes say "yes," if no or maybe say "no."
10. clean up after yourself!

We also talked about Reid's elevator speech. (ReidAboutSex.com) and how to go over things like when you were last tested, what you were tested for, your current relationship and sexual orientation, any relationship agreements that your potential partner should know about (for example if before the party you and your partner both decided that you would only be voyeurs and not have sex at this particular party), safer sex protocols and needs, things you like, and things you don't like.

And finally we chatted about how would someone go about throwing a party. One good tactic is having a pre-party Facebook messenger chat or Kik chat so that partygoers that may not know each other can get to know one another a week or two before the party actually starts. You can set it up at a house or at a hotel, the benefits of a hotel being that you don't have to clean up before or after, but the downside of the hotel is that you may be skirting around some legal issues. You cannot charge for a party in your house because it could be against certain brothel laws but you could have donations or bring your own food and alcohol rules. We also talked about how ethical it is to have alcohol at a sex party and maybe making a party be alcohol free. For small house parties it's also nice to have a hard deadline for entry, say being there at 8 PM for drinks and socializing but you must be there by 9 PM at the latest and after that anyone who arrives late will be turned away because that's when the mandatory welcome circle will be happening. Some nice icebreaker games could be going around and saying your name, pronouns, and the mildest and wildest hopes that you have for the evening (example: "my mildest hope for the evening is to kiss someone I've never kissed before, my wildest hope is to make an Eiffel Tower" [if you don't know what that is, you're going to have to Google it] 😜).

It was asked how people find out about local play parties and the websites lifestyle lounge, swing lifestyle, Kasidie, and fetlife were all brought up. Private parties and hotel takeover's as well as camping trip take overs happen often and are advertised on these websites. Otherwise when it comes to private house parties, it's generally who you know and on an invite-only basis. Essentially, if you don't know anyone having a play party and you would like to go to one the best way to go about it is to host your own!

There was some chat of members of the group actually hosting parties in the future and maybe they will be organized as an FB event, or linked to other sites, we will keep the group updated if anything is set up.