Meeting Notes (10/19/17) Topic: Metamour Jealousy
Metamour Jealousy:
What is a metamour? Essentially, your partner's partner
Jealousy is most common when somebody feels insecure, mistreated, threatened, or vulnerable in a relationship
Jealousy is not the problem; jealousy is the SYMPTOM of the problem.
One key to making the relationship work is to talk about your fears, openly and immediately, EVEN IF YOU THINK THEY’RE IRRATIONAL. Often, naming your fears, bringing them into the light, deprives them of their power.
Don't compare yourself to your meta, unless it's in an uplifting, positive way
Make your partner feel special, needed, and loved, and your partner will not feel threatened or afraid.
Find your jealousy triggers. Don't ban those triggers, deal with them.
OPP: One Penis Policy and it's many problems
The problem with “veto power” doesn't deal with the issue, just ignores it and forces the trigger away
Making rules to regulate/ control your partner (and metamour) so you don't feel jealous instead of dealing with the problem of jealousy (deal with your shit) is problematic
Don't ignore the issue, it can sit and fester, turning into resentment and passive aggression
Putting the relationship “on hold” while one deals with their jealousy issues can be a way of holding the relationship hostage. It can seem like a good idea, but then the “dealing with” may never take place.
Dealing takes time, but you have to be making progress or you're not dealing at all. It will be uncomfortable, avoiding that is avoiding dealing with the issue.
Envy of a metamour is common. Thoughts will sprout up if things with the meta are going well: “Why can’t I do that? What’s this other person have that I don’t? How come this has always been a problem between us, but it’s not a problem between them?” Don't think of comparisons as a bad thing, think of them as a way for your partner to experience life more and different facets of different people, which is a positive thing.
How do we interact with our metas in a productive and compassionate way even when we feel jealous?
Compersion, joy at your partner's joy, can occur even during jealousy
There really are no great communication role models, which makes it a lot harder to get help and support.
Like a muscle, communication must be worked out and gets better and easier over time and with practice.
What is a metamour? Essentially, your partner's partner
Jealousy is most common when somebody feels insecure, mistreated, threatened, or vulnerable in a relationship
Jealousy is not the problem; jealousy is the SYMPTOM of the problem.
One key to making the relationship work is to talk about your fears, openly and immediately, EVEN IF YOU THINK THEY’RE IRRATIONAL. Often, naming your fears, bringing them into the light, deprives them of their power.
Don't compare yourself to your meta, unless it's in an uplifting, positive way
Make your partner feel special, needed, and loved, and your partner will not feel threatened or afraid.
Find your jealousy triggers. Don't ban those triggers, deal with them.
OPP: One Penis Policy and it's many problems
The problem with “veto power” doesn't deal with the issue, just ignores it and forces the trigger away
Making rules to regulate/ control your partner (and metamour) so you don't feel jealous instead of dealing with the problem of jealousy (deal with your shit) is problematic
Don't ignore the issue, it can sit and fester, turning into resentment and passive aggression
Putting the relationship “on hold” while one deals with their jealousy issues can be a way of holding the relationship hostage. It can seem like a good idea, but then the “dealing with” may never take place.
Dealing takes time, but you have to be making progress or you're not dealing at all. It will be uncomfortable, avoiding that is avoiding dealing with the issue.
Envy of a metamour is common. Thoughts will sprout up if things with the meta are going well: “Why can’t I do that? What’s this other person have that I don’t? How come this has always been a problem between us, but it’s not a problem between them?” Don't think of comparisons as a bad thing, think of them as a way for your partner to experience life more and different facets of different people, which is a positive thing.
How do we interact with our metas in a productive and compassionate way even when we feel jealous?
Compersion, joy at your partner's joy, can occur even during jealousy
There really are no great communication role models, which makes it a lot harder to get help and support.
Like a muscle, communication must be worked out and gets better and easier over time and with practice.
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